TOSH: Come on, Owen.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Cardiff Bay Millenium Hall. Please take your seats, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight’s performance of Faust is about to begin.
TOSH: Thank you ve- thank you very much. Wake up, Toshiko.
(Ianto arrives, pushing past other audience members)
IANTO: Excuse me, sorry. Wow, nice dress.
TOSH: Oh. Ianto? How- you look… fab. Fab tux! Wow. Where’s Owe-
IANTO: Uhm, something came up at the Hub but Owen gave me his ticket. He sends his apologies. But, anyway-
TOSH: But it was supposed to be a-a-a non-Valentine’s Valentine’s Day friend thing.
IANTO: A what?
TOSH: Well, it can be lonely, can’t it? Valentine’s Day without a Valentine. So that’s what friends who don’t have significant others do, isn’t it?
IANTO: It is?
TOSH: Purely to avoid the occasion.
IANTO: You invited him on a date?
TOSH: Not on a romantic date.
IANTO: To the opera?
TOSH: To avoid couples.
IANTO: On Valentine’s Day?
TOSH: Oh God.
IANTO: He’s really sorry. Anyway, this should take your mind off things.
TOSH: That’s a lie.
IANTO: Have you been drinking?
TOSH: I was nervous.
IANTO: About the date?
TOSH: Not a date.
IANTO: How much have you had?
TOSH: I can’t remember.
IANTO: Wowzah.
TOSH: Do you want some? I’ve got more here. Six for £10. Seemed like a bargain. Is it? I’m not a big drinker.
IANTO: You brought six?
TOSH: Twelve. It’s called Proseccio.
IANTO: Proseccio.
TOSH: No, Prosecio. It’s the Welsh version apparently.
IANTO: Don’t you have a glass?
TOSH: Oh, I’ve just been drinking from the bottle.
(She takes a swig of wine)
IANTO: No, of course, don’t want people thinking you’re common by using glasses like the rest of these opera buns. But listen, you might want to stop drinking.
TOSH: Sometimes you say things and I don’t know if you’re being serious.
IANTO: You can’t tell when I’m joking?
TOSH: Jokes are usually followed by laughter or smiles.
IANTO: I don’t do that. Now, will you please listen?
TOSH: God, you are weird.
IANTO: What?
TOSH: I was joking. Like you do.
IANTO: Try not to. Anyway, stop drinking and listen.
TOSH: Why? It’s a night off.
IANTO: Because the opera’s infested with aliens.
(Tosh spits out her drink)
TOSH: What?
(Opening theme)
TOSH: Aliens? Here? You really need to signal your jokes.
IANTO: About 6pm tonight, every red light in the Hub came on. Thought it was an invasion at first, but the only thing on the CCTV was a queue of seemingly normal opera-goers. I asked Owen to join me but he said you were already here and I could fish his ticket out of the b- They’ve done a hell of a paint job in here, haven’t they?
TOSH: The what?
IANTO: Anyway, back to the imminent threat of the aliens.
TOSH: Oh my God, he put it in the bin.
IANTO: No! Well, yes. But I told him, it’s not on, I said.
TOSH: A-and what did he say?
IANTO: Did I mention there are aliens everywhere and we could be in a great deal of danger?
TOSH: What did he say?
IANTO: I told you, he said he was sorry.
TOSH: Sorry he agreed to come.
IANTO: Sorry for himself, if I’m honest. Look, we really need to-
(Tosh tuts)
IANTO: Look, I spent a little time with him a few months back, okay. Getting to know him.
TOSH: Wow, I wonder what that’s like.
IANTO: AND I think he struggles with his sense of self-worth.
(From now on, Tosh speaks with a noticeable lisp)
TOSH: Self-worth? Oh, he can piss off.
(She takes another swig of wine)
IANTO: Really stop drinking now. Deep down he doesn’t think he deserves you, okay? Can we please finish this another time?
TOSH: And I suppose he disguised that by being a total-
IANTO: A total wanker to everyone. Now, please, let’s deal with the aliens.
(Tosh kisses Ianto on the cheek)
TOSH: Happy Valentine’s Day, Ianto.
IANTO: Happy Valentine’s Day, Tosh. But-
TOSH: Yes, yes, aliens, danger.
IANTO: Shhhh. Look, I brought your PDA.
(Tosh gasps)
IANTO: What?
TOSH: My PDTTPDA?
IANTO: PDT-?
TOSH: Please Don’t Touch Tosh’s PDA.
IANTO: Ah.
TOSH: Yeah.
IANTO: Here.
(Ianto hands her the PDA and she types on it)
TOSH: According to this, only about 70% of the audience is human.
IANTO: Really? You don’t say.
TOSH: And there’s three different species. Cool.
IANTO: Cool?
TOSH: Why can’t aliens enjoy opera like everyone else?
IANTO: Shh. They can, I suppose.
TOSH: Just because they come from another solar system, they can’t enjoy human culture?
IANTO: Look, it’s our job to investigate. Jack would have us investigate.
TOSH: Well, Jack’s not here. Sorry. I didn’t mean it-
IANTO: No, it’s fine.
TOSH: He’ll be back.
IANTO: I know.
TOSH: I’m just a bit-
IANTO: Upset.
TOSH: Drunk. I should stop drinking.
IANTO: Yeah, I told you.
TOSH: We could be in terrible danger.
IANTO: Oh my God, give me some.
(He takes the bottle of Tosh and takes a swig)
IANTO: That is…
TOSH: Terrible. Just one normal night, that’s all I ask. Come on, we have to go. Sorry, can I just-
IANTO: Wait up. Where are you going?
TOSH: Excuse me.
IANTO: Sorry, coming through. Look, maybe you should have an espresso?
TOSH: I’m fine!
(She falls over onto someone)
TOSH: Sorry. This one is definitely an alien!
IANTO: Toshiko!
TOSH: This way. Sorry, health and safety coming through.
IANTO: What are you doing? Where the hell are we going? Excuse me, pardon.
TOSH: Backstage. Hurry up.
IANTO: Really sorry. Sorry!
TOSH: Sorry.
IANTO: Did we have to crush the orchestra?
TOSH: Sorry, that was the only way backstage without a code.
IANTO: I’ve got a digital codebreaker.
TOSH: Why didn’t you tell me?
IANTO: You didn’t really give me a chance. Why are we here? What about the aliens?
(Tosh’s PDA bleeps)
TOSH: Energy signal. Backstage. Something emitting a great deal of thermal energy
IANTO: (with a lisp) So, shoul- (he clears his throat and speaks now without a lisp) So, should we call the others?
TOSH: Not yet. This way.
IANTO: Wait. Are you okay?
TOSH: Of course I am.
(They go down some stairs and Tosh falls on the last one)
IANTO: Look, we should definitely get you a coffee. In fact, I’ve got something here that-
TOSH: I don’t need a coffee, it’s just these stupid heels.
(She takes her heels off and throws them)
TOSH: I hate them.
IANTO: Wait, wait. Try this.
(He zaps her with something and her lisp stops)
TOSH: What was that?
IANTO: Alien pick-me-up. Got it from Owen.
TOSH: Dick.
(Ianto gasps. Tosh gasps)
TOSH: Oh. Oh, it’s-
IANTO: Good, isn’t it? Let me know when you need a top-up. Wears off quite quickly.
TOSH: Yes, great. This way, let’s go! God, I am so awake.
IANTO: Why opera?
TOSH: Why, what do you mean?
IANTO: Why a sudden congregation of aliens at the opera?
TOSH: Look on the bright side. Could’ve been Jethro. When I Was Famous, the Bros musical.
IANTO: What musical?
TOSH: Bros. Or, Bro as they’re known now. Before your time. A load of out of date pop songs strung together by a pithy narrative that could’ve been written by a four year old.
IANTO: Oh, Mamma Mia!
TOSH: Yes.
(Tosh’s PDA beeps)
TOSH: Oh. Okay. Still can’t pinpoint the source of thermal energy, but I’ve got results on the species here. One is particularly dangerous. The Grosche.
IANTO: Dangerous how?
TOSH: Well, they’re a bit bitey. Sometimes a bit killy.
IANTO: Great.
TOSH: The big question is, why have so many aliens gathered here now? This performance.
IANTO: Great marketing?
TOSH: Funny.
IANTO: Really. Here, I mean, look at this poster.
TOSH: I’m looking. ‘The World Famous Ilmatar in the European Contemporary Opera Company’s Faust. I mean, it’s just an opera singer dressed as a devil. Great costume, sure, got a whole glowing fire demon thing going on. But I can’t see why it would draw intergalactic theatre crowds.
IANTO: It’s so… striking. Feels like I’ve seen it before. Ilmatar.
(Tosh’s PDA beeps again)
TOSH: Oh. I’m getting a reading.
IANTO: From where?
TOSH: Behind that door.
IANTO: It’s someone’s dressing room. It’s probably an actor.
TOSH: Alien.
IANTO: Typical. Sure there are plenty of out of work human actors who could play the role.
TOSH: Was that another joke?
IANTO: Humour masks my fear. Is it a killy one?
TOSH: No.
(Ianto takes out his gun)
IANTO: Better safe than sorry.
TOSH: On my mark.
(Tosh slowly opens the door to the dressing room)
TOSH: Hello? We know you’re in here.
(A singing begins)
TOSH: Is that…?
IANTO: Must be Ilmatar.
TOSH: It’s intoxicating.
IANTO: Spell-binding. I think I know that voice.
TOSH: It’s-
IANTO: It’s-
EARGRUB: It’s perfection, now shut up.
TOSH: AH! Who’s there?
IANTO: Don’t move. I’m armed.
EARGRUB: No! No no no! You musn’t spoil it.
TOSH: A Pansian Eargrub.
IANTO: A what?
EARGRUB: Shut up!
TOSH: We don’t know much about them. Extremely sensitive to sound.
EARGRUB: Stop shouting, you’re ruining it. That makes me unhappy.
IANTO: Is it dangerous?
TOSH: Like I said, we don’t know much about them.
EARGRUB: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Out of my way!
(The Eargrub lets out a shriek and barges away)
IANTO: I’ll take that as a yes then.
TOSH: Quickly, after him.
IANTO: Maybe we should call for backup. Wait, you’re unarmed!
(Ianto runs after Tosh and the Eargrub)
IANTO: I really think we should call the others.
TOSH: You’re the one who came here to investigate it alone.
IANTO: I thought you’d be less inebriated.
TOSH: I’m fine!
IANTO: So why are we chasing it?
TOSH: Because we need to question it, because it’s alien and because it’s running!
EARGRUB: Fascist! (?)
IANTO: They do have good hearing. Whoa, whoa. Why is that fire escape chained up?
TOSH: Not now, Ianto. He’s going up the stairs.
IANTO: But-! Nevermind.
(They run up the stairs and the singing continues)
TOSH: Freeze!
IANTO: That’s a PDA, not a phaser. You do know that, don’t you?
TOSH: Yes, but it doesn’t.
EARGRUB: Well, I do now.
IANTO: Freeze. This one shoots.
EARGRUB: Too loud! Stop screaming!
IANTO: I’m not!
(The Eargrub screams out in pain)
(Toshiko whispers instead)
TOSH: Okay, talk. Why are you here?
EARGRUB: I’ve come to experience Ilmatar. He makes perfect khalia.
TOSH: Khalia?
EARGRUB: The food of love. A source of joy. Our hearts swell to the timbre of his voice.
IANTO: Poetic, aren’t they?
TOSH: They’re fans.
EARGRUB: Sounds so pure they can reach to the farthest columns of the omniverse. Ilmatar makes such sound. We’ve travelled many light years to be near him.
IANTO: You were right. They really are here just for the opera.
TOSH: It’s that good?
EARGRUB: Oh, yes. The opera. It is beyond words to describe. Please, I’m missing it.
TOSH: How many of you are here?
EARGRUB: There are many of us. Not just my species. The love for Ilmatar is not limited to one race. This journey here has been planned for a long time. Please, let me go!
IANTO: Some sort of intergalactic coach trip.
TOSH: Then why were you hiding in the dressing room?
EARGRUB: My species are not good at hiding the effect khalia has on our bodies.
IANTO: And what exactly is khalia?
EARGRUB: The sounds cause a buildup of sensations that can be… embarrassing if we lose control.
IANTO: So, it’s…
(Tosh’s lisp returns)
TOSH: Sexual?
(Ianto zaps her with the pick-me-up)
TOSH: Thanks.
EARGRUB: The disguises supplied by the Grosche are, for some of us, only effective to a point.
TOSH: The Grosche came with you?
EARGRUB: Yes. We know they can be aggressive, but their soft light disguises are excellent.
TOSH: The Grosche can’t be trusted. How many are out there?
IANTO: It’s as you said. Human art and culture is attracting a more diverse audience. Why don’t we just let them watch the show?
TOSH: But the Grosche? An audience of ravenous mass murderers.
IANTO: It’s the end of the tour. After tonight, they’ll be on their way.
EARGRUB: Yes, yes. We will all be leaving. Satisfied?
TOSH: We should stop the show. Get everyone out. Jack would have them all processed, interrogated and either on their way or locked in cells by now.
IANTO: But, like you said, Jack isn’t here.
TOSH: You don’t know how dangerous the Grosche are.
IANTO: If we stop the show in front of everyone, that might provoke them. If they are here, like he says, on a meticulously planned galactic opera tour, then isn’t it better to let them finish watching the show? We can hang around after, and you know, get them back on the bus, so to speak.
TOSH: They eat people, Ianto.
IANTO: But they haven’t yet, have they? Trust me, I’m thinking clearly. You’re functioning on a cocktail of Welsh prosecco and alien amphetamine. Let them finish their trip rather than antagonise them into doing something killy.
(In the background of this whole conversation, the eargrub has been making some strange noises)
TOSH: Okay, you’re right.
IANTO: I believe him.
TOSH: Shall we just…
IANTO: Yeah, let’s… leave him to it.
(Ianto and Tosh leave the room as the Eargrub continues enjoying himself. Just after they leave someone sneaks up on him and he screams out)
IANTO: How are you feeling?
TOSH: I’m fine.
IANTO: Just checking. Wait, I wanna look at this door.
(Ianto tries pushing on the door - it’s locked)
TOSH: The fire escape?
IANTO: Well, no, not anymore. Falls more into the fire hazard category. It’s chained and padlocked.
TOSH: Ianto, we don’t have time for this.
IANTO: Health and safety, I know. But there are 800 people/beings in this building. Why would anyone wanna… uh-oh.
(Ianto runs away)
TOSH: Wh- Ianto? Where are you going?
IANTO: I’ve got a bad feeling!
TOSH: You’re the one who said everything was fine!
(The heavenly singing continues)
(Ianto tries another fire escape - it’s also locked)
IANTO: That’s the fourth one.
TOSH: Why would anyone seal fire escapes?
IANTO: To prevent escape in the event of a fire.
TOSH: So…?
IANTO: Fire. Fire. That’s it. That’s who he reminds me of! Zeal. Finland. Oh, my God.
TOSH: Finland? What are you talking about?
IANTO: Ilmatar. I said he seemed familiar. Zeal was this band. Finnish black metal. I was well into them during my goth phase.
TOSH: Sorry?
IANTO: Ilmatar looks just like Zeal’s lead singer. They presented themselves as genderless dark angels. Zeal’s costumes were almost identical. Less high art, more visceral. Face melting riffs, mosh pit, and one hell of a fire show. I always wanted to see them.
TOSH: Mosh pit?
IANTO: Yeah. But that can’t be him.
TOSH: No, obviously. I think a career move from screaming your head off in a grunge band to opera is a bit far fetched.
IANTO: They weren’t grunge. It can’t be him because the entire band and audience of 350 people were incinerated in a… in a massive fire. In Finland. Ten years ago. Call for backup, sound the fire alarm. We need to evacuate the building.
TOSH: Thank you.
(Ianto breaks a fire alarm and Tosh tries her comms)
TOSH: Owen. Owen. Code black situation at the Opera House.
(The fire alarm is not going off)
IANTO: It’s not working.
TOSH: Owen? Owen?
IANTO: Fire alarm’s been disabled!
TOSH: I think the signal’s been jammed. Gwen, come in.
IANTO: It’s Valentine’s night, she’s out with Rhys.
TOSH: I’ll try her phone.
IANTO: We need to get back into the auditorium. Get everyone out through the front of house.
TOSH: There’s no signal.
IANTO: Great.
TOSH: I told you something was wrong.
TOSH: We’ll have to go back through the auditorium.
IANTO: Oh, the audience are gonna love us.
TOSH: Oh, it’s locked.
IANTO: There’s a code panel. Allow me.
(Ianto uses a gadget that bleeps a few times, then he tries the door. It’s still locked)
IANTO: It’s not working. Sometimes it can take a while.
(The gadget bleeps again but the door stays locked)
IANTO: Nope.
(Tosh’s lisp comes back again)
TOSH: Where did you get that piece of junk? Get sidetracked at Wow!Bargain again?
IANTO: Wow! do some good stuff. But no. Found it in the storage room.
TOSH: Where we put all the things that don’t work?
IANTO: Then why isn’t it called the junk room? Fiddling hell! It was working this morning.
(Tosh lets out a little laugh)
IANTO: What?
TOSH: Goth phase.
IANTO: Why are you bullying me? You must have had a goth phase. You’ve got all the hallmarks.
TOSH: Meaning?
IANTO: Sort of sad, lonely… this isn’t coming out right. Not a mainstream personality.
TOSH: No! I’ve never had a goth phase. Or metal, heavy rock, thrashcore, whatever it’s called. That is not music.
IANTO: Look, I understand that many people don’t have the brain development to identify and appreciate the complexities and nuances in certain genres of music, but it’s still music.
TOSH: How dare you.
IANTO: I suppose you had a gabber or a techno phase.
TOSH: What if I did?
IANTO: That’s not music.
TOSH: You can’t say that! What are we even arguing about? Oh, my head.
IANTO: You need a top up. You’re getting aggressive. Here.
TOSH: I am not getting-!
(Ianto zaps her with the pick-me-up)
TOSH: Oh. Thanks.
IANTO: I’ll explain how I’m right to you later.
(Ianto tries his digital lockpick again. It still doesn’t work and he cries out in frustration)
TOSH: Come on, this is getting us nowhere. Let’s try the stage door. Come on. There should be security personnel we can alert.
IANTO: Fine. It worked this morning!
(The heavenly operatic singing continues on the stage)
GROSCHE: How can you actually eat that?
GROSCHE 2: Well, it’s a delicacy.
GROSCHE: It’s raw.
GROSCHE 2: It’s how you’re meant to eat it! You should be more receptive to stuff.
GROSCHE: Excuse me?
GROSCHE 2: More open to experiencing what other cultures have to offer. You might enrich yourself.
GROSCHE: Have you swallowed a thesaurus?
(Tosh and Ianto come running towards them)
TOSH: There. Security guards. They can help.
GROSCHE 2: What I’m swallowing is delicious, but you wouldn’t know. You’ve made a presumption about what it tastes like and in your brain made that presumption a fact.
TOSH: Oh, thank God. Thank God we found you. So, we have a sit-
GROSCHE 2: The truth is, there’s a strong possibility that you would really enjoy this raw delicacy, but you are denying yourself the opportunity to find out. You are punishing yourself for no reason.
IANTO: Hi, guys. There’s a situation. We need to-
GROSCHE 2: Whoa whoa whoa! We are in the middle of a discussion, if you don’t mind!
GROSCHE: What if I don’t like it?
GROSCHE 2: Then you would have gained some knowledge and the satisfaction of learning that your presumption is a fact! It’s a win-win.
TOSH: Guys, seriously, everyone in the building has-
GROSCHE: Yeah, but there’s gonna be so much food later. And it’ll be cooked.
IANTO: Hello!
GROSCHE 2: Exactly! It’ll all be cooked. Too late for a new experience, then.
TOSH: Excuse me, you two! Lunch options can wait! There’s an emergency.
(The Grosche roars at them)
GROSCHE 2: You two are… rude. Aren’t you?
GROSCHE: Rude.
GROSCHE 2: Can’t you see we’re having a private conversation?
GROSCHE: Aye, private.
IANTO: Uh, you are security guards, aren’t you?
GROSCHE 2: What of it?
IANTO: Well, you’ve a pretty enormous security breach on your hands and we’re here to tell you that-
(The Grosche roars again)
GROSCHE 2: We’ll deal with it in a minute. We’re having our meal break, okay?
GROSCHE: Go on then, I’ll try it.
GROSCHE 2: That’s more like it!
TOSH: Getting a bad feeling.
IANTO: You’re getting a bad feeling?
(The Eargrub squeals)
GROSCHE 2: Right, do you wanna try an arm or a foot? Foot’s got a nice, uh, crunch.
GROSCHE: Can’t we kill it first? I mean, I don’t like the way it’s looking at us.
TOSH: Oh dear.
GROSCHE 2: Alive gives it a natural eat (?)
IANTO: Are these the killey ones?
TOSH: I think they’re Grosche.
GROSCHE: Go on, then. I’ll try some foot. Only a bit, though, right. I wanna leave some room for the main event.
GROSCHE 2: Righty-o.
IANTO: They look human!
TOSH: Grosche are masters in light-bending disguise technology.
(The Eargrub squeals in pain as one of the grosche rips off its toe)
GROSCHE 2: There you are. He’s passed out. He can’t look at you now. Try this toe.
IANTO: Are they eating…?
TOSH: The eargrub.
(The Grosche takes a bite of the toe)
GROSCHE: Oh em gee, you are so right. It’s delicious.
IANTO: I think I’ve done a wee.
GROSCHE 2: Right then, you two. What are we gonna do with you?
GROSCHE: Dessert?
(The Grosche take off their human disguises. Ianto pulls out his gun)
IANTO: Freeze! Christ! That’s what the Grosche look like. They’re minging! No wonder they’re good at disguises.
TOSH: Toothy, aren’t they?
(The Grosche whacks the gun out of Ianto’s hand)
IANTO: The gun!
TOSH: Run!
(Tosh goes to run but she is caught by one of the Grosche)
TOSH: Get off me!
IANTO: Toshiko!
TOSH: Ianto, run!
IANTO: I can’t leave you!
TOSH: Run, you have to. Go!
(Ianto runs off as Tosh is dragged back by the Grosche)
(Ianto comes out on the roof)
IANTO: Finally, I’m outside. I’m on the roof. Well, I’m outside.
(Ianto tries his comms again)
IANTO: Owen? Owen! Can you hear me? It’s Tosh. They’ve got Tosh. Oh, God. I’m on the roof of the Opera House. And yes, it is full of aliens, and the doors are sealed and… Owen! Of course. Of course it doesn’t work. Fine. I need to get higher. Great. More climbing. Time to scale the armadillo’s back. Which is fine considering the alternative.
(Ianto begins climbing higher up the roof)
IANTO: Where are you tonight, when I really need you, Jack. This is your territory. Actually, where are you?
(Underneath him, the Grosche growls)
IANTO: Do you mind, I was having a moment!
(The Grosche begins climbing after him)
IANTO: That’s not fair, you’ve got claws to climb with!
(They’re both still climbing. Ianto tries his comms again)
IANTO: Owen? Owen!
(They reach a standing point)
IANTO: Wait, wait. Don’t come any closer. I’ll jump. I’ll jump! Think about it, Stampy. I throw myself off this roof, in minutes this whole place’ll be crawling with police and emergency vehicles. Whatever plan you’ve planned isn’t gonna pan out the way you… planned. You know what I mean.
(The Grosche laughs at him and begins taking steps closer)
IANTO: I will. I will!
(The Grosche doesn’t stop)
IANTO: Bugger. This is it, then. Be brave, Ianto. You won’t feel a thing. One, two… three!
(Ianto falls off the side of the building)
TOSH: That’s right, he’s no coward. He’s Torchwood. You heard.
(Tosh shoves her shoe in the Grosche’s eye and runs over to the edge of the building)
TOSH: Ianto? Ianto!
IANTO: Couldn’t give us a hand, could you, love?
TOSH: God, I thought you’d actually done it.
IANTO: I saw you coming. Thought you would’ve done something before I jumped, though.
TOSH: I needed to get close enough.
IANTO: Is that… is that your shoe sticking out of his face?
TOSH: Mhm. Spotted it while I was being dragged through the corridors. Turns out those heels are completely useless. Make rather effective Grosche killers. Two with one shoe.
IANTO: Oh my God, you are pouring with blood.
TOSH: Took a chunk out of my leg.
IANTO: Your leg? What about your shoulder? Okay, we gotta stop the bleeding.
TOSH: No, no time. We have to get-
IANTO: You can’t do anything if you pass out. Keep still.
(Ianto starts ripping his suit up to make a tourniquet)
TOSH: But your lovely tux.
IANTO: Will serve perfectly as a tourniquet for your leg. Hold still.
(Ianto begins making the tourniquet around Tosh’s leg)
IANTO: Well, high heel straight through the eye socket. Into the brain.
TOSH: Who’d have thought? The bane of my existence.
IANTO: Got a pain in the brain! Forget it.
(Tosh laughs at him)
IANTO: Hey!
TOSH: What?
IANTO: You laughed at one of my jokes.
TOSH: That’s because you laughed. Ow. That should be tighter, by the way.
IANTO: I know what I’m doing. We’ve all done Owen’s medical course.
TOSH: Ugh, don’t mention that name. If I hadn’t had that stupid Valentine’s idea, we wouldn’t be in this situation.
IANTO: Of course we would.
TOSH: Ow.
IANTO: That should do it. I need something to dress your shoulder. Shirt sleeve should do it.
(Ianto rips his shirt)
TOSH: At least we’d be out there. With equipment. With help. No, I think it’s a sign I should give up.
IANTO: Torchwood?
TOSH: On Owen. Everytime I try to connect with him, something like this happens.
IANTO: Why do you keep on trying? With him, I mean.
TOSH: I don’t know. Why do you keep on trying with Jack?
IANTO: Ouch.
TOSH: Sorry.
IANTO: Not a problem. I don’t know, to be honest. Every fibre in my body is telling me I should just get over it. It won’t end well. Every fibre except…
TOSH: Those in your heart.
IANTO: Hm. Bit dramatic, but yeah.
TOSH: I know. It’s the same with Owen. Feels like life is warning me. And it’s only going to end in tragedy. Do you know what he said to me the other day?
IANTO: Oh dear.
TOSH: I helped him calibrate one of his weapon projects. Why he doesn’t stick to being a doctor, I don’t know. And do you know what he said?
IANTO: Not ‘thank you’?
TOSH: He said, ‘Thanks, Tosh. Not a pretty face.’
IANTO: ‘Not just a pretty face’?
TOSH: Nope. ‘Thanks, Tosh.’ He said. ‘Not a pretty face.’
(Ianto begins laughing)
TOSH: Why are you laughing? That’s horrible.
IANTO: It was obviously a joke. If anything, it shows that he likes you. That’s his humour. Sometimes it just doesn’t, you know, connect, that’s all.
TOSH: But it’s not funny. Why are all the men I work with so… crap?
IANTO: I apologise on our behalf.
(Ianto finishes dressing Tosh’s shoulder)
IANTO: There. Should stop the bleeding for now. You okay to stand?
TOSH: In a moment. Gosh, that view. Reminds me of my first day.
IANTO: You too, eh?
TOSH: I think he brings everyone up here.
IANTO: God, he is such a show off.
TOSH: I miss him, too.
IANTO: I’m not sure we can keep going.
TOSH: We have to. There are lives at stake.
IANTO: I mean Torchwood. Without Jack. I keep expecting him to turn up at a crucial moment. That grin, smoking gun in hand. Some wise crack about how we can’t survive without him. And we can’t. It’s chaotic. It’s like we’re all feeling around in the dark. And not in the fun way.
TOSH: You know what? We can survive without him. We have been surviving, and we’ll continue to do so until he comes back. Yes, it’s chaotic, but when has it ever been any other way? Come on, let’s show him how strong we are. We can start by saving 800 odd people, aliens or whatever they are.
(Ianto rips some more of his suit as Tosh stands up)
TOSH: What’re you doing?
IANTO: Tearing off the other side. I need to be symmetrical.
TOSH: Okay. Come on.
(Tosh walks over to the Grosche and takes the high heel out of his head)
IANTO: That’s…
TOSH: Our only weapon. Let’s get to the bottom of this. The show will be over in an hour. Something tells me that’s our deadline.
IANTO: I tried to contact the others, no response. Signal’s been jammed all round the building. Some sort of forcefield.
TOSH: So, we’re on our own. And you know what? That’s just fine. Let’s go.
IANTO: In we go.
TOSH: Thanks, Ianto. Hangover’s kicking in.
IANTO: Oh, do you need another-?
TOSH: No, no. That stuff, it’s too moreish. I want to be straight-headed if we’re going to see this through.
IANTO: Rest here a second.
(Ianto sniffs the air)
IANTO: What is that smell? Burning hair?
TOSH: What smell?
IANTO: Great, an aneurysm’s all I need.
TOSH: No, I can smell it, too. There. Scorch marks on the floor.
IANTO: And residue. Some sort of ash. Who’d be having a fire in the wings? Grosche. They said something about a barbecue.
TOSH: Whatever is happening, it’s started. We need to move. We can start by getting those fire doors opened, evacuate the building, then we deal with the Grosche.
IANTO: How?
TOSH: I don’t know yet.
(The heavenly singing continues on the stage)
(Ianto is grunting(?) as he begins to lock-pick one of the fire doors)
TOSH: Can I help?
IANTO: And… done!
TOSH: That took far too long.
IANTO: Sorr-y!
TOSH: There are ten others, we don’t have time!
IANTO: Now this is open, one of us can run for backup, find some signal.
TOSH: Neither of us can run anywhere, we don’t know how large an area’s been affected by the comms jam. Besides our priority’s getting these people out of here.
IANTO: I tried some doors earlier, most of the keypads have been destroyed. The auditorium is pretty much sealed off.
TOSH: If we could only get them to this door without a stampede.
IANTO: I could make an announcement on the stage.
TOSH: That would alert the Grosche. Force their hands into killing everyone quicker.
IANTO: Full of crap ideas today, aren’t I? Look, listen, they’re gonna be alerted one way or another, it’s just a matter of getting everyone out as quickly and as calmly as possible.
TOSH: But look at you! You’re wearing a sleeveless tux that’s covered in blood. The sight of you now isn’t exactly going to have a calming effect on people.
IANTO: I’ll need a costume.
(The singing continues on stage)
(Wallfisch is rehearsing his singing in his dressing room. There is a knock on the door)
WALLFISCH: For the love of cock, piss off!
TOSH: Hello?
WALLFISCH: Go away, Hannah. I don’t need biscuits, I don’t need tea, I don’t want to know how many people are in, and I don’t want you interrupting my warm-up when I’m about to take the stage. And while I remember, tell Bill: if he wants me in Don Giovani’s, then no more travelling with the chorus. I play multiple roles, yes, but I do have solos, you know. A private car next time, and I mean it. That was the last time I travel with that bus load of Berties.
(Tosh opens the door and she and Ianto enter)
TOSH: Hi, sorry to interrupt, but we-
IANTO: Sorry.
WALLFISCH: What in cock’s name do you think you’re doing?
TOSH: We-
WALLFISCH: You can’t just walk in here, I am preparing. I don’t know how things are done in China, but this is England.
TOSH: I don’t know, either.
IANTO: And no, it’s not.
WALLFISCH: Oh dear, look at the state of you two. Tell me you’re in costume.
TOSH: That’s why we’re here, actually, Mr…
WALLFISCH: Wallfisch. Sigmund Wallfisch.
(Ianto has been flicking through clothes)
WALLFISCH: What is he doing with my-
IANTO: Look, we need a costume, quick-sharp, Mr Wallfisch.
WALLFISCH: Who the cock are you? Why are you covered in blood and why is he dressed like a crap, homeless Chippendale.
IANTO: We’re a private security company.
(Ianto finds an outfit that he likes)
IANTO: Oh, this’ll do.
WALLFISCH: That’s my demon costume!
TOSH: Do you need a hand?
IANTO: No, I’m good.
TOSH: Okay.
(Ianto begins to put the costume on)
WALLFISCH: You’re getting blood on it!
IANTO: I’m fine. Sorry, no time to explain, but we need to get everyone out of the building.
WALLFISCH: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. What in the name- is this something to do with the death threats?
TOSH: Wait, you’ve been getting death threats?
WALLFISCH: Oh, not me, no, him. Ilmatar. The star. ‘We’re following you.’ ‘The end is near.’ ‘We want to watch you burn.’ It’s all a PR stunt, obviously. I mean, he’s only playing Lucifer for Cock’s sake. He’s on stage for less than ten minutes. But at the end of the show gets a full page in the cocking Fauston Echo.
IANTO: Of course. It is him they’re after.
TOSH: What?
IANTO: The more I think about that poster, the more I’m convinced. Ilmatar’s the primary target. They tried before, years ago. In Finland, the Zeal concert. The bodies in the fire were so badly burnt they couldn’t be identified. He obviously escaped. Now they’re back to finish the job.
WALLFISCH: Who?
IANTO: The Grosche. And just like Finland, they’re gonna burn everyone in the process. To the Grosche it’ll be just like a giant all-you-can-eat barbecue!
(Ianto is still trying to get the costume on)
IANTO: I hate tights. Can never work out which way round they go.
TOSH: But-but Ianto, that doesn’t make sense.
WALLFISCH: I’m with her, what in the holy cock are you talking about?
IANTO: Personally, I’ve never felt the physical warmth through anyone’s voice like that before. It was the same when he sang with Zeal. I felt there was something special about him. Something other-worldly about his talent. I think he’s an alien.
(Ianto has put on the costume now)
IANTO: Is this right?
WALLFISCH: Zip goes up the back.
IANTO: Right.
TOSH: An alien?
IANTO: A fugitive. Someone the Grosche have been after for a while. It all makes sense. Death threats, having fans form light-years away. And have you seen him out of costume?
WALLFISCH: Well, no. But he’s a pretentious cock.
IANTO: No one knows what he really looks like.
WALLFISCH: So, you think he might be an illegal?
IANTO: I must not forget to retcon this man.
TOSH: Yeah.
IANTO: Zip me up, would you?
WALLFISCH: I’ll do it.
TOSH: It’s a theory, but what does it change?
IANTO: Nothing, except I’m gonna save an incredible talent from a group of flesh-eating aliens.
TOSH: Ianto, I-
IANTO: Just be ready to lead everyone else out like we planned. You can help with that.
WALLFISCH: Oh, can I, love?
IANTO: How do I look?
TOSH: Fine.
IANTO: Good.
IANTO: Right, I’ll come on with you. We need this to happen quickly and calmly. Our primary objective is to get everyone backstage and through the fire escape.
WALLFISCH: You know you are in completely the wrong costume, don’t you?
IANTO: It’s better than what I had on before.
WALLFISCH: Granted. Can I please do my solo before you stop the show?
IANTO: We’ve discussed this. People’s lives are at risk.
WALLFISCH: Oh, fine. Oh, that’s your cue.
(Ianto walks onto the stage and clears his throat. Ilmatar is still singing)
IANTO: Hello, hello. Ladies and gentlemen-
WALLFISCH: Cut the music.
IANTO: I’m very sorry, but due to technical issues, we must stop the show.
(The crowd begin to murmur in disapproval)
IANTO: Uhm, but, I’m very pleased to inform you that you will all be getting refunds and free tickets to the opera for a year! Please, again, ladies and gentlemen, members of the cast, Mr Ilmatar - huge fan by the way - accept my sincere apologies. Our technical issues are affecting many of the auditorium doors, so we ask that you please make your way to the fire escape at the rear of the building via the stage.
TOSH: What is that smell? Burnt hair again. It’s coming from… this way.
IANTO: So, if you could just leave your seats and make your way up here in an orderly fashion, Mr Wallfisch will lead you the way backstage where my colleague will meet you and- and guide you all to the exit.
ILMATAR: Ladies and gentlemen, if I could just have your attention. I have just received word through my earpiece that the technical issues have been resolved and we can continue with the performance.
(The crowd cheer)
IANTO: Uhm, Mr Ilmatar, you sure? I strongly recommend that we evacuate the building.
ILMATAR: Relax! It’s all going to be fine. Trust me. I can’t deny you my performance!
TOSH: Something’s coming from inside Ilmatar’s dressing room.
(Tosh opens the door to Ilmatar’s dressing room and gasps)
TOSH: Oh my… Ianto!
(Tosh runs away, going to find Ianto)
IANTO: Look, Mr Ilmatar, I know that you’re an alien. It’s the Grosche, they’ve come for you again, like in Finland. Massive Zeal fan, by the way. Uhm, I think they’re gonna kill everyone. Basically burn everyone and eat them.
ILMATAR: I see.
(Ilmatar begins laughing)
IANTO: Really, really not funny.
ILMATAR: Ladies and gentlemen, this young man has informed me that we are under attack from aliens.
(The crowd begin laughing)
IANTO: Listen to me, you’re all in danger.
ILMATAR: He says that the race of aliens called the Grosche plan to burn us all alive and then eat us!
IANTO: But it’s true! They are! They’re here! You’re all in grave danger.
ILMATAR: And my friends, what is so deliciously ironic is…
(Some of the audience begin to discard their human disguises and reveal that they are actually Grosche)
WALLFISCH: What the cocking hell?
ILMATAR: There are a number of the Grosche amongst you. To you, my ever loyal fans, I offer my heartfelt thanks. I- I couldn’t have done this without you.
IANTO: Wait.
ILMATAR: And now, for the real performance. Mr Wallfisch, where were we? It’s time for your solo.
WALLFISCH: Really? Are you cocking insane?
ILMATAR: I assure you, they’ll be quite the most appreciative audience you’ll ever have had.
WALLFISCH: Alright, let’s show them some proper singing.
(Wallfisch begins to sing, but Ilmatar sings over him - one continuous note)
WALLFISCH: Wait wait wait, it’s not a bloody duet. What are you doing?
ILMATAR: It’s just- the note you were singing…
WALLFISCH: There’s nothing wrong with the damn note.
ILMATAR: It’s just, it would sound better-
WALLFISCH: I don’t think that is possible, sunshine.
ILMATAR: -if it was sung like this.
(He begins singing the note again)
WALLFISCH: That’s all wrong, stop there, because-
(Wallfisch begins screaming as he is set on fire. He falls to the floor as he melts)
IANTO: Jesus. You- you’ve burned him alive.
ILMATAR: It’s my talent, by which they come from the distant corners of the galaxy to hear me sing. Sing the exact note that causes them to combust.
IANTO: But the Grosche!
ILMATAR: Oh, my number one fans. What can I say? I love what I do. Why would I ignite them? They’re so good at cleaning up.
(The Grosche begin to make their way on stage)
ILMATAR: Don’t be shy, tuck in!
(The Grosche begin eating the remains of Wallfisch)
ILMATAR: See? They can’t get enough of him. How’s that for dinner, Monsieur? Still a fan?
IANTO: Think you might lose one now.
ILMATAR: Sit down everyone, I prefer to keep the standing ovation until I’ve finished.
(Ilmatar begins singing again)
IANTO: Everyone, run!!
TOSH: Ianto! Ianto, get back!
IANTO: Toshiko! What are you doing with a fire hose?
TOSH: Putting out a fire!
(Tosh sprays Ilmatar with a fire hose and he is knocked unconscious)
TOSH: Show’s over.
IANTO: Look, they’re running! Ilmatar!
TOSH: He’s in the orchestra pit.
IANTO: Yank him, before he comes round. He’s… he’s-
TOSH: He’s gone. He’s gone.
TOSH: Thought you would’ve seen enough of this roof.
IANTO: Peaceful up here.
(Tosh delves into her bag and brings out a bottle of alcohol)
TOSH: One bottle left. Here.
IANTO: Thanks.
(He takes a sip)
IANTO: Oh, still not great.
TOSH: No. But tonight could’ve been a lot worse.
IANTO: Could it? Didn’t even catch the bad guy.
TOSH: Artists can’t resist coming back for more. Next time we’ll be ready.
IANTO: Or dead.
TOSH: In which case it won’t be our problem.
IANTO: True. Sort of looking forward to that if I’m honest.
TOSH: Don’t. I know what you mean. What am I doing with my life?
IANTO: Happy Valentine’s Day.
TOSH: Quite. Still, nearly over.
(Tosh finishes the bottle of alcohol)
TOSH: There.
(She throws the bottle off the building)
TOSH: SCREW YOU, OWEN HARPER! SCREW YOU!
IANTO: (giggling) Toshiko!
(They laugh together)
TOSH: Oh, Ianto. Sorry.
IANTO: What?
TOSH: I wasn’t the only one spending Valentine’s Day alone. It was also Valentine’s Day for you.
IANTO: Yeah. Didn’t wanna make a fuss.
TOSH: You never do. How… how are you? You and those stubborn fibres in your heart?
IANTO: Oh, fine. Honest. I just miss him so much that I wanna start screaming and never stop. That’s all. You know.
TOSH: I do. What Ilmatar was doing, it wasn’t magic. Just sympathetic vibrations. Certain sounds at specific frequencies cause particles to vibrate and collide and eventually… pkhew.
IANTO: But what if it is magic? It has to be more than particles colliding. I felt something when he sang. Before the physical pain, there was sadness. A sense of loss. Despair. He was… lonely.
TOSH: Most artists are.
IANTO: No, that note. It was like he understood how lonely I was. But it was also hope. Even love.
TOSH: Listen, my faith is science. But I don’t think science has given us any real explanation as to why this song makes us cry or that sound makes us smile. I think it’s something in us, rather than the music itself. Love, despair, rage, joy, they are all already in there. Our souls are just waiting to hear the right note.
IANTO: And everyone’s note is different.
TOSH: Exactly. Whether it’s blues or rock or grunge.
IANTO: Or gabber.
TOSH: Or gabber. Or Jack, or bloody OWEN HARPER!
IANTO: Wow.
TOSH: Each of us. Each of us is just waiting for that magic note to set us alight.
IANTO: Even if no one else can hear it.
TOSH: Yeah. Music is just music. It’s what it ignites inside that has the power to hurt or heal you.
(Their comms beep)
IANTO: Oh. Communication barrier’s down then.
TOSH: And it’s Owen. He got our messages. Hm, well, he says he’s worried.
IANTO: I bet he’s going out of his mind. We should get back to the Hub, fill him in.
TOSH: Nah. No. He can wait. Let’s enjoy the view.